Feb
It’s snowing big fat frosty flakes here in Madison, Wisconsin today, so naturally I’ve been planning my vegetable garden. It’s fun to think about all the delicious foods I could plant in our lovely new yard, and also kind of fun to take the list of a zillion items and pare it down to just two or three favorites and hope for a more reasonable first foray into the botanical arts. I’m also very much looking forward to discovering what might already be alive in our garden, since we took possession of the house after most everything had died back. I think we might have some rhubarb (woot!) and I know I spotted peonies, but have no idea what to expect out of the rest of the yard. I saw some mysterious crowns whilst poking around with a shovel last November, so one never knows–there might even be asparagus. Dare to dream.
The problem is, I think the Squirrels are already on to me. They’ve been congregating in clumps in exactly the spot where I want to put my tomatoes, and I sometimes see them whispering to each other and rubbing their tiny Squirrel hands together and then pointing at the house. And they are fat, too, despite it being the deepest depths of winter. Fat, I am 100% sure, on CROCUS BULBS.
But the crocus bulbs won’t last forever. I’m pretty sure that they have a tiny calendar hidden away somewhere and they’re marking off the days until tomato season with a big red X. I just hope to heaven that they aren’t reading this blog.
Now, some of you might say to yourself, Don’t worry, Kelly, Squirrels don’t eat tomatoes. BUT YOU WOULD BE WRONG. Already my neighbors on both sides have reported tomato theft by my rodent nemises last summer. There are witnesses, people. When I asked one friend from a nearby neighborhood if she had any Squirrel issues in her little veggie garden, she said, “oh yeah. They’ll take your tomatoes if you aren’t careful.” When I asked her what she did to be careful, she told me, “sick the dog on them, at least twice a day.”
Suddenly I want a dog.
Here is the thing. I have to grow tomatoes. The whole point (okay, not the whole point) of buying a house was basically to get a yard. And the whole point of getting a yard was to get tomatoes, which would cost four gazillion dollars to buy at the market if you’re looking for enough to can, say, a winter’s worth of salsa, sauce, and ketchup, which I am hoping to do. (What, I ask you, is the point of taking out a 30-year mortgage if I can’t save money on pantry items?) So the Squirrels must be defeated. But how?
Here is what my AMERICA’S GARDEN BOOK* (first printing: 1939) says about the little bastards:
“Squirrel: Climbing rodent; active all year harvesting and digging. Plants affected: Apples, pears, peaches, nuts, sycamore, beech, corn, various bulbs, lawns. (Hey editors, you forgot TOMATOES.)”
And then here is my favorite part: “Controls: Raptors, cats.”
Holy Jeebus. Raptors. Of course! Why didn’t I think of that!? I need a raptor! Or a pair of raptors! Does anyone know a reputable raptor dealer?
Call me a barbarian, but nothing makes me happier than imagining one of the same squirrels that made off with my 90 crocus bulbs skulking up to a nice juicy red-ripe tomato only to be suddenly picked up and carried away by a majestic falcon. It just brings a smile to my face.
Alas, I have googled “Mail-order raptor delivery service” and come up empty, forcing me to read deeper into my AMERICA’S GARDEN BOOK (which tells me on the cover it’s the only book I’ll ever need to grow my garden, so there’s no point in researching elsewhere). And guess what else they recommend for controlling your squirrel problem: Shooting. Forget repellents or fencing or high-pitched noises, AMERICA’S GARDEN BOOK tells me to go for raptors and pistols at dawn.
Clearly this is my kind of garden book. And we are about to become those kinds of neighbors. Squirrels, if you are reading this, it’s ON.
ETA: oops, I forgot to mention that AMERICA’S GARDEN BOOK is a Macmillian title. So, you can’t buy it from grouchy spoilsports Amazon who I used to link everything to out of laziness. I’ll try to get more creative with my book links in the future.

















