Husky
Monday, 28 September 2009The downside of having lost some weight since we moved to Madison is, as the wuv of my wife reminded me the other day, that it means my jeans no longer fit. (By “my jeans,” I mean the one pair of jeans I traditionally own at any given time.) So today, since we found ourselves at the mall as part of the ongoing quest to repair my MacBook, and because the day was kind of a bust, workwise, following Eileen and Melissa’s visit, we trucked over to Penney’s for some Levi’s.
OK, so, I have a love-hate relationship with shopping for jeans. I love it because I really enjoy looking at myself in a mirror, at any possible opportunity. (My car-pool crew from ninth grade will confirm that my need to check my hair was responsible for my being late to algebra four out of five mornings a week.) But I hate it because no matter what size my body is, it’s always a weird size.
Like, for several years, I had a 35-inch waist. You can find 35-inch-waist jeans, I think, if you aren’t determined to buy Levi’s (they are reasonably priced, and last longer than Gap jeans, and will presumably always be there) or if you don’t mind buying the same Levi’s your dad used to wear, before he decided that style looked too dorky. Then I got fatter, which was actually kind of a blessing, because it was much easier to find 36-inch jeans—although, for whatever reason, often not in the color I wanted.
Whatever. I’m down to about a 34 now, and I am not tall, so at Penney’s I tried on I think every style available—527s (low-rise, relaxed fit, boot cut), 505s (straight-leg, straight cut), 557s (different from the 527s somehow, but not really), 511s (way too skinny), 501s (still too busy for buttons), and at least three more—in a 34 x 30. They were not quite right—the issue Mrs. Josh had with my current pair was that they were too loose around the thighs and (my scrumptious) tushy, and although they fit better around the waist, none of the potential replacement pairs really dealt with that issue.
So I squeezed into a 33 x 30, and lo and behold, it was exactly the look I wanted. My only complaint was the whole not being able to breathe very often thing, coupled with some concern that, as winter progressed, my weight might fluctuate slightly back in its earlier direction. Temporarily, of course, but still.
I was stuck. Now, brief aside: Although logic would dictate that inseam length shouldn’t make a difference insofar as how one’s jeans fit around the thighs and scrumptious tushy, it totally does. And because I only buy pants like once every eighteen months, I had forgotten that my legs aren’t actually quite 30 inches long—I only buy jeans with that inseam because they don’t make them shorter.
They don’t make them shorter in the men’s section, that is.
Yes, I’m standing in the fitting room amid the clouds of despair, and then a beam of light breaks through the gray as I remembered that children today are totally fat. I’ve read that so many times on the Internet, anyway. And praise God for the obesity epidemic*, because two minutes later I’m scouring the rack in the boy’s section and yes, there’s a 34 x 28 pair—although technically, the size is “16H,” with the H standing for “husky.”
They fit perfectly, except maybe the break is an unnoticeable half-inch higher on my shoes than it should be. Whatever—they only cost $27.
*Not really. Come on.
In my twinkier days I used to shop for SHIRTS in the boy’s section, because I was embarrassing. Also, I once scandalized the salesfolks at a Cleveland-area Express Men when I asked for a 28 waist jean.
Needless to say I don’t have these ‘problems’ anymore.
@Brian: The nice thing is, as long as my legs don’t get any longer (unlikely, I think?), I think I can keep buying my jeans in the kids’ section forever. ‘Cause the waists over there go up to, like, 40.
I will notice where your jeans break on your shoes, Josh.
Two important questions: do they have holes, and did the computer get fixed?
@Tony: Shut up, Tony.
@Nadja: They don’t! And no, it didn’t. It worked a little better, and then the problem came back. So I went home and did the archive and install, and again, it worked better—and then the problem came back.
So then I did a clean install—and although it is working better, the problem has come back. It’s not as frequent as it was—which is annoying, because I need to be able to make it recur—but it’s definitely still happening. I have another appointment with the Geniuses tonight.
I thought that Macs were so easy to use that it should not take a “genius” to fix one. I am just saying.
@Tony: The hardware seems to be broken, Tony. I don’t think any computer is immune to that, because computers, like all things, are subject to the Second Law of Thermodynamics. But you wouldn’t know that, because I guess they don’t cover it when you major in counting.
Remember that time your Windows was irreparably crippled by a patch you downloaded from Microsoft? FACE.
I think I’ll pass your 34×28 recommendation on to Randy and I might just shop the Husky boys dept from now on for him myself! Good thinking, Skinny.
I sorta did the same thing at the Diesel store once!
Except it was the men’s section.
‘Cause I was too fat for the laydees’ jeans.
*sad face*