Another Damned Blog

This used to be posted on an older, now-defunct blog of mine, and is reposted here because the information remains relevant. Science doesn’t change its mind!

Scientists would have you believe that science can explain everything, but this is patently absurd. Can science, for example, explain how some jars can only be opened by moms? Can science explain magic, or wishing fountains? No, no, and no. And what about dragons? Science has never been able to explain anything about dragons.

Until now.

I first advanced my controversial “dragon bones” theory late one night at Ladybear’s house, after we’d had a lot to drink. Ladybear didn’t understand it then, and I can’t blame her, although I did make fun of her for it. (“You call yourself a natural-history museum docent? More like a natural-history museum doesn’t.” And other zingers.) Anyway, the theory is complex and nuanced, but I will attempt to summarize it below in a single paragraph:

Some dinosaurs survived past the Cretaceous Period and into medieval times, terrorizing villages and hoarding gold until finally being slain into extinction by armored knights.

Even as I write this, I can hear your scoffs, because I have long-distance time-travel hearing (explain that, science). But hold on. I’m sure some important questions and concerns have already sprung into your mind, and I will address them now.

Dragons breathe fire. Dinosaurs did not breathe fire, so how could they have been dragons? This one puzzled me at first too, until I thought about it more. The answer is evolution, people. Isn’t it obvious that fire-breathing dinosaurs would survive longer than their non-fire-breathing counterparts? If you ask me, breathing fire would be one favorable trait. In fact, what’s most amazing is that the dragons didn’t evolve right past us and up to the top of the food chain. Goes to show that thumbs are still the favorablest trait ever.

Geological evidence shows that all the dinosaurs died millions of years ago. I think I pretty well refuted science back in the first paragraph, but let me address your concerns about “geological” evidence: Family trees—no matter how good of records you keep—are just not a valid source of dinosaur-related information. A quick perusal of the Web shows that a lot of so-called scientists have been taken in by this too, though, so don’t feel bad.

No, seriously. It would be statistically impossible for dinosaurs to have survived into medieval times. Just like, I suppose, it was statistically impossible for the United States hockey team to take the gold in the 1980 Winter Olympics? How about not giving up? How about believing in yourself? How about America?

OK, but all the dinosaur bones we’ve found are from millions of years ago. If dinosaurs survived into medieval times, then where are all the “dragon bones”? People burned them.

Um, bones don’t burn. That was the foundation of Ladybear’s argument against my hypothesis, and where my now-famous theory got its name. The smarter among you will have already figured out that there are at least two distinct possibilities for what happened to the dragon bones, both of which are probably responsible in part for the “complete lack of physical evidence to support this absurd theory,” to quote a letter I received this week from the MacArthur Foundation, who have once again refused to award me the genius grant I so richly deserve. Anyway, the two possibilities for what happened to the bones:

1. People burned them. Oh, bones don’t burn, you repeat. Unless you’re on the sun, I reply. Now, I’m not saying that Leonardo da Vinci got rid of all the dragon bones by sending them to the sun in a flying contraption—because there would be no way he could fit all of them in there. I am saying, Where on Earth would you find a source of fire as hot as the sun? And the answer, as you’ve already figured out, is: other dragons. Even a second-level mage knows that dragon fire is at least as hot as the sun. Dragon bones would provide villagers with useful shielding material against other dragons’ fire, but eventually, even these would give way under the heat, and turn to unidentifiable ash.

2. The Vikings made boats out of them. I’m not talking about the Minnesota football team, although I know, it is confusing. But no, it turns out that long ago, around medieval times, there was a Norwegian football team called the Vikings too. Not having buses, and da Vinci-brand flying contraptions only being available in Italy due to trade embargoes, etc., these Vikings had to get to their visiting games in boats, which they called dragon ships. Some people think this is because their prows were carved into dragon heads, but that’s only part of the story. Obviously, being big, resistant to fire and other types of damage, and already curved, dragon bones were the perfect material for boats. Sadly, the Vikings probably ended up hunting the once-proud beasts into extinction, much as the Indians hunted the bison into extinction. Just as sad is that hundreds of Viking ships—and all of the MacArthur Foundation’s precious “physical evidence”—sunk to the bottom of the ocean not long after medieval times, when Greenland, formerly known as Atlantis, finally resurfaced near the Arctic.

As a parting salvo, I would remind you that scientists will tell you that dinosaurs evolved into birds—which completely makes sense, since it’s well known that many species of dragon can fly as well. Anyway, this is just a short list of things to keep in mind the next time you visit a museum and some doesn’t tries to tell you what’s what. Remember: Science is about clear thinking, and to think clearly, you have to get the facts.