There are dozens of blogs on the internet and elsewhere, which makes it so easy for all the unique, brilliant things you have to say to get lost in the noise. Fortunately, it’s just as easy to stand out from the crowd — all you have to do is follow these rules recommended by professional internet experts, and in no time at all, you’ll have millions of readers.
1. Make everything a list. You know what’s scary? Paragraphs. They just flow right into each other, and you’re like, “When does it stop??? Let me off this roller coaster!” But a list is like paragraphs that are clearly separated and often marked with numbers, so you know which order to read them in. Plus, they always have the most important stuff at either the top or bottom, so readers don’t have to waste time. People aren’t on the internet to waste time.
2. Make everything a video. There’s no way to know how many people look at YouTube every day. But you can bet it’s a lot — it’s way simpler than VCRs, and you don’t have to lug a TV into your office every day anymore. Whatever your blog is about — Spanish cooking, TV recaps, or the growing problem of illiteracy in the first world — making every post a video is a sure way to draw more readers.
3. Don’t make lists of videos. I know what you thought. But the math’s not that simple, cowboy.
4. Get Steve involved. Who’s Steve? Steve is me. Steve is you. Steve is all of us. If you have to come up with a name when you’re writing a blog, Steve is your go-to guy. Example:
But I don’t care what Steve from Child Protective Services says.
This is probably the most important rule on the list.
5. Be careful with those links. A lot of people will tell you the internet is all about links, but remember: Too many links and what you’re left with is a chain. If you absolutely must link, link to Google. It’s one of the most popular sites on the internet, and if you give them enough traffic, they’re sure to take notice and link back. They’re really cool.
6. You must pick a great hosting provider. Many people recommend GoDaddy, because it’s the only one they’ve ever heard of. But not everyone is a dad. (If you are, high-five!) I recommend you use Wikipedia. It’s super easy to make a login, create a page, and just start blogging your heart out. And best of all, it’s totally free.
7. Proofread everything. Twice. You know what’ll turn off an internet reader faster than old-lady porn? (Way faster, in my friend Steve’s case.) Typos and grammatical errors. Early on, they weren’t such a big deal. But after the Pets.com debacle, things got much more stringent. Every successful blogger uses The Yahoo! Style Guide, and some of them use it even when they’re not blogging.
8. Use humor sparingly. People want to be taken seriously, even if they’re wearing a jean jacket. If you can’t resist making a joke, follow it up with something about dog cancer, to keep things on an even keel. Your readers will appreciate it.
9. Type everything backwards. Here’s what I mean: Type a period. Then move the cursor back. Type an s. Then move the cursor back. Type a d. Then move the cursor back. Type an r. Then move the cursor back. Type an a. Then move the cursor back. Type a w. Then move the cursor back. Type a k. Then move the cursor back. Type a c. Then move the cursor back. Type an a. Then move the cursor back. Type a b. Then move the cursor back. Hit the space bar. Then move the cursor back. Type a g. Then move the cursor back. Type an n. Then move the cursor back. Type an i. Then move the cursor back. Type an h. Then move the cursor back. Type a t. Then move the cursor back. Type a y. Then move the cursor back. Type an r. Then move the cursor back. Type an e. Then move the cursor back. Type a v. Then move the cursor back. Type another e. Then move the cursor back. Hit the space bar one more time. Then move the cursor back. Type yet another e. Then move the cursor back. Type a p. Then move the cursor back. Type a y. Then move the cursor back. Type a capital T.
There. You just typed Type everything backwards. — backwards. It really made you think about what you were typing, right? This is a great technique for building quality control into your blog posts from the start. (And hey — how much cooler would it have been if I’d made this tip a video?)
10. Change your name. I saved this one for last because it’s the hardest rule to follow — but it’s also the most effective. Listen, if your name is “Steve Dunkelmeyer” or “Steve Pinkelmeyer” or “Anthony Marion Coppola,” that was fine — until the internet came along.
Here’s the problem: Nobody is searching for those names on Google. So nobody is going to find your blog. If you want to roll with the big dogs, you gotta fill out a form, appear before a judge, give the government a bunch of money, and become “Kim Kardashian” or “Terence Stamp” or “Gawker” or “Demi Lovato.” (Don’t take that one, actually — I want that one.)
Think I’m crazy? Guess what: This is how Andrew Sullivan (aka the former Steve Gunkelmeyer) did it.
BONUS RULE:
11. Always leave them wanting more. Sure, I could put everything I know about blogging on the internet into this post — but then why would you come back? Keep your posts short, and give readers a hint that plenty more good stuff is on the way. People love to be taunted.
BONUS RULE II:
12. Keep it coming, fast and furious. The one thing no one can get enough of today is information. If you want your blog to take off, don’t just post once a day and call it good. Don’t just post twice a day. Three times? Uh-uh.
You wanna hear a statistic? The most successful bloggers on the internet post 50 times a day. (And most of them type them backwards.) And they don’t just hit the “Publish” button and call it good. They email those posts to everyone they know. They print them out. They hang them on the fridge. They hang them on other people’s fridges. They go to Sears and hang them on all those fridges. They put them in the mail. They mail them to themselves. They cold-call dozens of potential readers every day. They use skywriters. They get T-shirts printed up. They bury time capsules. They buy space in newspapers. They buy ads in the Yellow Pages. They turn their posts into outsider art and have whole fleets of documentarians at the ready to make documentaries about that outsider art.
And that’s why they win the blogging game. Sound like a lot of work? It is. But you know what’s even more work? Running a store, I bet. Or any kind of mining. Skywriting, probably. So get out there and get blogging.
Josh Wimmer just started his very first blog.